Navigating Relationships as a Gifted Individual

By Tiana Pomaybo on October 2, 2024

Prompted by a trusted mentor, guest blogger Tiana discovered her giftedness after facing challenges fitting in. Finding solace in communities like Bloomers, she connected with kindred spirits, fostering a sense of belonging. After 15 years of guiding entrepreneurs, she realizes her true passion aims towards psychology, writing, spirituality, and helping others find transcendent meaning.

Navigating Relationships as a Gifted Individual

Imagine this: I walk into a party, jump out of the car, and I'm greeted with a big hug from a friend. The hostess follows with a hug of her own, but there’s something subtle in her greeting, a hesitation that feels undecided. This person has already admitted to feeling intimidated by me, despite my efforts to make her feel comfortable. A week earlier, she texted me a question about a topic I study almost daily. I responded with a flood of information—straight facts, not much emotion. She didn’t reply, but somehow I could sense the distance, the tension, even before I saw her again at the party.

Throughout the evening, she tried to be friendly, but I could tell she was uncomfortable. Every time she sat down, she sighed, almost like she was waiting for someone else to arrive and shift the focus away from the awkwardness she felt around me. By dinner, I was already feeling uneasy. My mind was picking up on all the subtle dynamics, creating patterns and connections between what was happening around me. The conversation drifted to a birthday party I hadn’t been invited to, and friendships that had formed without me. I’d barely heard from these people, except on rare occasions.

I sat there, listening to them talk about camper vans and work tasks. Their conversations felt disconnected as if they didn’t really know the essence of each other, only that they knew what they did externally. I stayed quiet, which is unlike me—I’m usually excited and engaged in group settings—but I couldn’t shake the feeling of disconnection. None of the topics resonated with me, and they didn’t ask about my thoughts, my interests, or anything I was passionate about. It felt like they had invited me, but didn’t really know me, and worse, didn’t want to.

So I left early.

I ended up getting a text message after from a few people. “Are you ok? You were so quiet.” And honestly, how do I explain this without sounding like a jerk? I ended up replying,

Yeah, I’m fine. Just growing pains. Sometimes I just feel distant from people because I don’t always interact the way they do. I’ve been reflecting on why I sometimes feel distant, and a big part of it is that it’s hard for me to talk about daily life when my mind is often focused on specific things I love discussing. It makes me realize that I sometimes struggle to connect in the same way with people. It’s not about anyone personally; it’s just a reflection about how I engage with things differently, and that can create this sense of distance. I’m working on it though. It’s something I’ve struggled with all my life, especially in groups.

It’s sometimes like other people and I are both watching the same movie, but I’m noticing a lot of extra details that aren’t as obvious and it makes it a bit uncomfortable. Or It’s like we’re both on the same road, but I’m seeing things from a different angle. It just means that it's sometimes hard to stay in the same moment or connect. Rather than blaming it on others, like I have in the past, I’m just trying to look at it more objectively. It’s sometimes just the way my brain works and processes things. That’s all. It’s a bit interesting being me from time to time.

Her response was,

It really is (interesting to hear how your brain works). I did feel all of what you have described, and I’m really sorry that distance must feel lonely sometimes. I do understand you and your need for (I’m not sure of the right word so I’m using deeper) conversations. I’m only guessing here but perhaps there’s a difference in one of our personality types. So put you in a group of people who are all type xyz, you’re going to feel distant. Just throwing a theory out there.

She was partly right, but she missed some of the deeper layers I had been trying to express, especially that when you’re open enough, you naturally get curious about different personality types. So, I decided to take a chance and ask more direct questions.

I said,

I’ve been curious since you sent your last message and wanted to check in—how were you feeling when you sent it? And how have you been receiving my messages? I ask because I felt a certain energy when I arrived, and while it wasn’t negative, I’m not sure we can attribute it to just different personality types. I’m wondering if it might be something else. I realize vulnerability takes a lot so you don’t have to share obviously. But I didn’t want to leave it hanging if I actually felt a little dissonance.

Her response was surprising,

I was really triggered on Saturday but it wasn’t anything to do with you. It was my mum (who I had explained to that I would feel more at ease if it was just my friends and she dismissed me) and my daughter (who really struggles with all that crazy boy energy). BUT in saying all of this, I am so programmed to avoid conflict that if there is something here that we could discuss and move through- it’s very likely I won’t see it if I feel we may hurt each other in the process. I know- I’m sorry. I had had 2 nights of no sleep before Saturday night because I was so frustrated. I am clearing a lot of wounding with my childhood.

And as you arrived there had been all this crazy stuff going on with the boys so I felt like I almost jumped when I saw you. Sorry- I was going to send a message explaining what I had going on before you all arrived but thought I was being a bit silly. Now I can see that it would’ve helped.

In saying that I think I was a little triggered by our last message chat. I would love for you to feel safe to be you! For you to be curious and share your love to explore different topics and perspectives. I am just going to have to practice being comfortable with the different perspectives part.

There it was - finally proof that I was intuiting correctly. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been dismissed or told that I was crazy. And coming from a narcissistic household, I’ve only just started to develop a sense of trust in myself.

This leads me to an important realization. For so long, I thought the problem was me—too direct, too intense, too sensitive, and on and on. This realization is common among gifted individuals. For a long time, they may believe that the issue lies within themselves. These traits, which others often point out as flaws, can lead them to question their own nature and reality. However, what is often perceived as a problem by others is not a flaw at all. Rather, it may be the result of a unique cognitive and emotional makeup. I didn’t know that I possessed a heightened ability to focus deeply on human interactions, coupled with an above-average capacity to recognize subtle patterns and abstract concepts. The challenge is not that they fail to see these patterns, but that they may struggle to trust their own perceptions and insights, doubting the validity of what they observe. This internal tension is a common experience for those whose minds operate on multiple levels of complexity, often leaving them feeling misunderstood.

The Disconnect

This led me to reflect on how such dynamics arise and how people might resolve not only individual tensions but also the broader chaos in the world. It's clear that the conflicts we see on a global scale begin within ourselves, ripple into our personal relationships, and expand outward. If the expression of human rights depends on fostering right human relations, then such relations can only emerge from cultivating a more inclusive and conscious mindset. Many human conflicts seem rooted in the belief that one’s emotions or thoughts are inherently correct, often without recognizing their own biases or illusions.

Confronting these internal distortions requires courage, which is why many avoid it—it’s uncomfortable and painful. Every thought, action, and behavior has a ripple effect, yet how often do people pause to ask, “Which choice will bring the greatest good to the most people?” More importantly, how can they ensure their decisions aren’t unconsciously driven by hidden motives or unresolved aspects of themselves?

From my perspective, I wonder if people who really committed to inner work—truly knowing themselves—and went through a few intense positive disintegrations, would start to realize just how interconnected everything is. Would they become more mindful about projecting their own ego, pain, or assumptions onto others? Maybe they’d begin to see things as they really are. Human relationships, and their ripple effects on the world, are incredibly complex, but isn’t it clear that even the smallest one-on-one interaction can shape communities, which in turn influence the world? It makes me think that it all starts with individuals being able to see the minds and hearts of others with real clarity. But in order to do that, isn’t it more than just learning or talking about the work? It seems like you have to actually do it— face the uncomfortable stuff head-on.

When you think about it, relationships involve two people with seemingly divergent individual priorities, yet both share this deep longing for connection and understanding. If any part of that delicate balance is overlooked, it can easily devolve into selfishness, domination, or disdain. So perhaps the key to navigating these interpersonal dynamics is for each person to fully understand how their past experiences, emotional responses, defensive patterns, and attachments shape the way they interact. Only then can they engage in relationships with real authenticity and care, minimizing the harm caused by unexamined motives. If one person doesn’t fully explore their inner landscape, it seems to create a dialectical tension that can’t easily be resolved. I wonder if this tension can only dissipate when someone is willing to reflect, shift, or even let go of parts of their sense of self in order to recognize the plurality of motives driving both themselves and the other person. Could this openness to understanding the different layers of intention and emotion lead to more relational flexibility? It makes me curious—how much of true connection depends on our willingness to engage in this inner exploration? And could real transformation in relationships occur if both individuals were open to evolving and embracing the complexity of multiple motives, while still holding onto their core selves?

Achieving this, of course, might require a relatively stable sense of self—something that many people seem to struggle with. Perhaps the real work lies in being able to honor one’s own truth and experience while also making space for the truth of the other, without diminishing the value of either, even when those truths diverge or conflict. I wonder how often people really take the time to self-reflect deeply enough to understand their relational dynamics. It feels rare for someone to dissect their own inner workings in order to recognize how they show up in relationships, and yet, we live in a world constantly marked by conflict. Could it be that the lack of this inner exploration contributes to the larger discord we see?

Relationships often seem to falter when one or both individuals struggle to regulate their emotions or lack the empathetic attunement needed for true connection. It makes me wonder—how essential are these skills for successful interactions? In times of distress, we naturally seek comfort and safety, but when one person isn’t able to provide the support or responsiveness needed, emotional gaps begin to form. Many people long for the feeling of truly being understood—of feeling “felt."

When this isn’t handled carefully, it often leads to escalating conflict, withdrawal, or defensive reactions. Staying grounded, flexible, and self-aware, while avoiding assumptions about the other’s intentions, might create more room for understanding emotional patterns that often operate unconsciously. People tend to repeat emotional wounds rooted in their earliest attachments, carrying them into adult relationships without realizing it.

Learning to organize one's emotional self and attune to others starts early in life through mutual emotional exchanges. I wonder if this sets the stage for mapping each other’s internal states—when done well, it seems to create a strong “felt presence" in each other’s subjective world.

In a world that often feels mechanical and disconnected, most people deeply long for is meaningful connection. A conversation with a friend recently made an impact on me: he pointed out that the difference between emotional love and unconditional love is that emotional love centers on whether someone is showing the qualities you resonate with, while unconditional love involves committing to the process of integration over time, even when they’re difficult or flawed. Perhaps, by seeking this deeper kind of love—not necessarily romantic—with genuine intention, we can begin to rediscover the connection and humanity we all need.

Responses from Other Gifted Folx

After opening up to the people at the party, I gained some empathy, but they still didn’t fully understand what I was going through. I found myself spending more time consoling them and giving extra context, only for them to say, “I’m sorry, that must feel really lonely.” It hit me then—my people are rare. But when I shared this under Bloomers, it was like, finally, people truly see me. They don’t just get it; they live it. I didn’t have to explain or comfort them. Instead, they added even more depth to my experience. Perhaps, if you’re reading this, you might feel the same.

This experience with other gifted individuals reminded me how important it is to find people who not only understand but resonate with the way we perceive the world. Being seen without needing to explain every nuance is incredibly validating. It’s a rare connection, but when it happens, it feels like coming home. If you're reading this and have felt the same sense of isolation or misalignment, know that there are others who live it too—and when you find them, the conversation becomes richer, the understanding deeper, and the loneliness fades away.